I hate this.

I just wish I didn't care. I'm so numb to most things. Why can't I be numb to the things I don't want to care about? Why can't I feel something when I want to and not when I don't? I'm so tired of it.
I need a new brain. :\

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


I'm getting married tomorrow.


Not like far away in the future, not even a few months.


I am absolutely ecstatic and terrified. I am so not ready to be an adult. Since when did I turn 21? Since when was I allowed to go anywhere I please, do whatever I please, with whom I please? I'm only 17! Right? Wrong. I just can't believe it.

But I am so ready to start a new chapter with the love of my life. I am so ready to wake up next to him every morning and fall asleep in his arms every night. It's what I've been waiting for all my life and it's finally here. I just can't believe it.

Holy. Crap.

Keep forgetting I have this thing...
WELP. My counselor decided to leave town and told everyone but me. AGAIN. So I'm done with counseling. I wouldn't trust her even if she did say she would see me again. Someone who tells me she'll contact me and never does and completely forgets about me twice is not someone I want to give all my secrets to.

So it's back to the journal.

Can't sleep...
So much pain.
How does something so painful come from something so good?

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

(no subject)
Seeing your face makes me want to puke. And you're not even a threat. I really hope my counselor isn't sick tomorrow because I have GOT to start working on this jealousy thing...

LOL at the possibility that you've created a child. What a fuck up.

Getting rid of some of the past, and reliving some of it, was definitely a better idea than sleep XD

is seriously crippling. I was having an okay day. One thing can trigger my brain into shut-down mode. I know I'm not the best, but this "upgrade" sure doesn't feel like one. I don't want to have a pity party...I just want some recognition.

Can't wait for my recital. Hopefully then I'll feel like I matter.

I can't help it. I hate her. I'm angry with you.

It's okay if you're ashamed of me. I get it.

Staying up this late
is never a good idea.

And yet I do it anyway.

I am so depressed for no good reason.


I have some good reasons.

But today was good.

Why ruin it with a late night full of sadness?

Why do I always do this to myself?
Why do I always think too much about the past?
Why do I always read too much into things I shouldn't think about?
Why am I such a jealous person?
How could I have been so stupid?
And how could I have let history repeat itself so many times?
Why did I have to ruin what was a relatively good day?
Why am I up at 1:38 in the morning when I should have gone to bed two hours ago?

Because I am just a dumb woman, that's why.

I don't think you understand
just how jealous I am. And I don't think you ever could.


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